It’s been 14 years since you left this world…
Time is supposed to ease the pain…
But that is a lie.
The pain never really goes away.

I admit the pain did lessen for a while,
Until she left this world…
To join you perhaps.
That is when it hurt once again.

Most of the time I try to get through the days,
Forcing myself to forget,
To focus on what I am doing,
On what is important…

But…
I can’t get you two out of my mind.
I just can’t forget,
The empty space you left in my heart.

I try not to cry on the outside,
I hold it all in.
I do my best to play pretend,
And fool everyone with my cheerful smile.

I can’t let people know,
What I’m really like…
I don’t want them to see,
The sad person deep within.

It's been a little while since I updated. Recently I was promoted at work... we just hired a new girl and I've been training her to take on some of my duties... like answering the phones and filing... woo hoo... So it has been quite busy at work.

I just got over battling a cold and bronchitis... I feel much better now. Bah felt shitty last week... Still don't know how i got through the week... oh well

On saturday, John and I splurged and bought a Wii... OMG It's addicting. Shena is going to get me Paper Mario for my birthday. ^_^ even better. I can't wait. I'm going to talk John into buying Mario Kart for it too... I have to figure out how to get it hooked up to the internet so I can get old school mario games for it. I loved those when I was a kid.

Shout out to Hilary: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'll get the pressie in the mail soon... sorry about being late. You and Shena are the best.

Oh and if you haven't listend to Lady GaGa, I would suggest you check her out. She's got a great voice and addicting songs.

This is 2 different Syrene scenes I was writing on lately.
@>~~;~~~~~ = separates the scenes. These scenes are from different parts in the story... but I wanted to write something. Please ignore any spelling errors/typos/grammar. I haven't proofread it yet. I just added to it.


( Read the Scenes )

Shena I'll send these to you in e-mail tomorrow.

First off Gramps is doing well. He is home and resting. I had a quadruple shot cafe mocha from Star Bucks, so I'm wired.

Work has been very busy lately. I always seems like there is never enough time in the day to get everything done. Even when I come in early and stay late. I feel like I just can't catch up. -sighs-

I hope to get some time to work on Syrene stuff this weekend. I have some ideas brewing now, but I haven't gotten a second to write them down. I'll do it... if I can stop reading Sookie Stackhouse for a minute. Those books are addicting. So is the show. I can't believe there is only 2 episodes left. Damn.

but...

Family guy starts up again soon... As well as American dad, and the new Cleveland show. 1 1/2 of Seth shows.. .WOO HOO ^_^

Gramps went to the hospital last night. He's in ICU. There's been some major damage to his heart. I don't know anything else. I'm going to try to call him later when I get home. Please say some prayers.

Liz is going to be out for an indetermined time. She's having major back surgery. So now my job is going to become more complicated... busier. I hope I can keep up, because the work load will definitely be piling up.

I've had a serious headache for 2 days now... Damn computers... I think my eyes are getting worse. I haven't had glasses in over 3 years now, and now I notice things are getting blurrier. Dammit. I DON'T WANT GLASSES!

On another note:

Ben Moody finally released his album. All of this. It's definitely different from what he has written in the past but it's very personal. Very raw. At least in my opinion. I love the song 10.22, about the day he quit Evanescence. I suggest that you listen to this... but keep in mind, don't expect it to sound like Evanescence. 10.22 is the only song that has a real rock beat to it.

Wah! I know haven't updated in a few days/weeks.

John and I are doing well so far. We have been going bowling, to the beach and playing tennis. On friday I bowled a 138. My best so far. ^_^ Yay ^_~ Surprised John with that game. He was able to get 198. Damn, he's good.

Went and played tennis on sunday... ugh. My shoulders got sunburned pretty bad though... even with sun screen... so now my bra straps are rubbing against it... ugh... it hurts.

And of course my happy 'friend' decides to bug me this week, and I just feel so miserable. I nearly took John's head off the past two days. Yeah yeah... some people believe PMS is a myth, but I don't. I do feel a difference. I'm normally nicer, and without even realizing it (until after it happens) I've been just mean. I don't know.

Shena and I have been getting quite a bit down now on our story. Now that I'm finally out of 'limbo' I can work on it much more. Although, There are some details I might forget I discussed with her... -sighs- so i've been trying to do better with that by putting ideas in e-mails.. so now i have something in front of me.

ugh... fucking cramps.

Oh well, I have to go get some work done. I'll try to pop on again soon.

Hello Everyone!!!

I know... I know... I disappeared. Yes I went upstate... and yes I am back in Long Island. And things are going great now. I was in Plattsburgh for about a week. I got to visit with Shi-ko, and I got to see my friends Hilary and Brandon for the first time in nearly 5 years. I think a week away from everything, was what I needed. I feel confident and refreshed, and quite content. I have a big smile on my face, because for the first time in a long time, things are going the right way.

Me disappearing gave John a BIG wake up call. He finally realized that I'm not going to be around him with all the vices he has. He's quit everything. Told his loser friends to take a hike and is now in the process of getting a higher paying job.

He also realized that I'm young, and I like to do things. In the few days that I have been back, we've gone bowling, and to the movies. We even took a nice walk downtown, just for the hell of it.

Right now, the Cable is off... to save on costs. (so no internet for a bit) The more important bills are going to be taken care of first. (ie. rent, electric, gas) For the time being e-mail is the only way to get a hold of me. I do have a phone still and can receive incoming calls... I just can't make outgoing ones... so people who know my number can still call and talk to me.

We are working together to get through our problems. The landlord wants us all paid up by July 1st... Which won't be too difficult since I do have my job back at Northeastern... I got very lucky... Thank God he watches out for me, and helps me when I need it. If I didn't have good friends, and a guardian angel, I have no idea where I would be right now.

Well it's official. I'm announcing to the world. I am Single. I want nothing more to do with John. I am so sick and tired of being used and treated like crap. It's amazing the games that men will play with you to trap you with them. I'm glad I'm waking up to it now, instead of 10 years down the road and my life is too far along to start new.

I'm seriously thinking of taking my paycheck and getting the fuck out. I don't know where I will go or what I will do but it's obvious we can't live together anymore.

John is very irresponsible. Not to say that I don't have my moments. I do play scratch offs sometimes, and I spend money on cigs and booze. But when I don't have the money for those things and only have money for bills, I know what has to be taken care of. I know my priorities... but someone else doesn't.

I pay for everything, practically... His paycheck pays for his vices and then he is broke. And he's pulling me down with him.

I'm 24. I should be out with friends, going to movies, playing games... but all I do is sit at home and worry about the direction my life is going. I worry about bills that aren't getting paid... I worry about the rent... I worry about where money is going to come from when we are broke... All he worries about is himself.

All I want is an individual who carries the same load as me. Equal partnership. Everyone says he should be taking care of me... supporting me... working harder for me... I don't necessarily believe in him supporting me... but like I said it should be equal... and it's obviously not.

I'm very unhappy... I have been... for quite awhile. I've sacrificed everything and I have nothing to show for it. It's not worth it anymore. It's not. I give up on him. I've wasted 4 years trying to make things work. 4 years... It was fun in the beginning but now it's old. His mother warned me a long time ago... but I didn't heed her advice. But I am now.

Goodbye John. This relationship is over. TTYN (Talk to you Never)

Please don't worry. I'm a strong person. I've been through a lot in my life, and I can handle just about anything now. Yeah I might be frazzled, upset or just stressed but I'm not going to let life beat me down.

Oh well completely off topic... I'm sure a lot of people have heard about this and are talking about it today. Natasha Richardson. I love her... she's an amazing actress, it's just tragic and depressing. I feel bad for her family and friends... Everyone hopes she'll be okay but with new reports that she is 'brain dead' it doesn't look good.

Big Sigh
I'm having one of those days where I just feel so down about things going on in my life. John and I have been together for 4 years now, and I just don't feel happy anymore. I don't see any future for us... just the same everyday routine... I can't even say scrapping by because at least scrapping by you have everything paid but you're broke after... that's not us....

I am fucking sick of it... I stress myself so much over it that I've been getting sick... I don't know what to do... Scratch that... I know what I SHOULD do... but it's hard. I'm just not strong enough... but if I continue at this rate, it could end extremely bad.

I don't want to kick John out because I know he couldn't make it own his own. But we can't live together anymore. There are too many things happening that I just can't control anymore. I keep thinking things will change... but everyday, is the same thing. Nothing changes...

Shena put it bluntly to me the other night. I need to stop making excuses for him and try to get on with my life. I guess I would have to bury my kindness and just do what needs to be done, no matter how hard it is. I can't worry about what will happen to him, I need to take care of myself.

There has got to be ONE guy out there who won't physically abuse me (John doesn't abuse me), and one who doesn't play mind games. A guy who has his priorities straight... or at least knows better. A guy who is old enough to take care of himself, and won't depend on my paycheck... is that really too much to ask? I just want to be happy...

The only thing I have got going for me right now is my job, which I try my very best succeed at. If I didn't have it I wouldn't have anything. I moved down here thinking I would be closer to my family here but I rarely see them. It's like we're acquaintances instead of relatives. Which is rough since I have no family really left. I haven't really made any friends here either... I just feel extremely lonely... and I'm miserable... very miserable.

I try not to show that I'm upset, I do my best to stay strong, even though inside I'm screaming... Screaming for it all to stop... screaming for someone to throw me a line before I drown. I'm letting him pull me under... but I just don't have the power to stop it... ... ...

First this post is probably slightly erratic, and there are probably grammar and spelling errors. That should tell you I'm not a fucking happy camper.

Well I'm pissed... I'm seriously rethinking thing with John. He's proved time and time again he can NOT be trusted. He has a sneaky side to him I just DON'T like. Before I got the bank account, I used to hide the rent money in the house. He found it and dipped into it. A few times. Finally I got a bank account and started putting the money in there.

This past Wednesday, I wrote a check to the landlords for the full amount of February's rent and mailed it to them in Florida. Since the check would take a couple days to get to them, I had enough time to put our paychecks into the bank on Thursday.

I was supposed to have overtime in my check this week... but the account was out and it never got entered. We had depended on having an extra 150.00 due to my overtime, so things didn't go exactly as planned. We had just enough money for the rent. I stood my ground and put the full amount in. We need a roof over our heads more then anything. I said if necessary we could ask a few people to help us out. But no... he didn't want to ask anyone for help.

The next morning John went into my wallet and took my bank card (while I was still asleep). While he was at work he took 140.00 out.

(You're probably wondering how he had my pin number. I gave him my bank card and pin number about a month back when I was sick so he could get money out to buy stuff. I'm sorry I DID it.)

I never knew he did any of this.... While I was at work I asked my co-workers if they could help me out. Rose gave me 20.00.

I never knew my bank card was missing until I talked to him via phone (while I was at work). He tried hiding what he did. He refused to tell me at first but I coaxed it out of him eventually. He admitted to taking the card and withdrawing the money. I was PISSED.

Not only because he took my bank card but also he was going to make me look like a liar to the landlord. Because after I mailed the check I called her and told her I put the check in the mail for the full amount and that it was good. So my first reaction was, "Oh my god, if she cashes that check now, we're fucked. It's going to bounce, I'm going to get slapped with fees and we'll probably be evicted."

When I got home he was hiding under the covers in the bedroom pretending to sleep. I was having none of that crap. I kept talking to him and telling him to get up, while I took his wallet out of his pants and took all the money and my bank card back. I counted the money... he had already spent 20.00 on stuff. (thank god rose gave me the 20.00) I told him I was going back to the bank first thing in the morning and I was putting the money back in. I told him it was wrong to take my bank card without my knowledge and I was hurt that he would do such a thing. I can't trust him now.

I told him he has to find someone to borrow money from because he's not touching this money. I hid my wallet (with the money and bank card in it) so he couldn't find it. I didn't want him trying to take it back, especially while I was sleeping.

This morning I woke up when he did... I stayed awake... pretending to be asleep... keeping an eye on him. Making sure he wasn't going to try to look for my wallet. That's horrible when I can't trust my boyfriend.

So I woke up at 7:30am (after working a long hard week ((I'll explain all that later)), just what I wanted to do on my FUCKING day off. I got ready and left by 8:30am to be at the bank when it opened. I told the teller girl about what happened. She was more then helpful in taking care of the matter and helping me change my bank card and pin number. So now if he takes it.. He's shit out of luck... Because I'll never let him know the pin number again.

I'm seriously thinking of taking my tax refund and getting the fuck out. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. People around me say the same thing... I'm starting to think, everyone is right. I'm sick of it. I work hard and he just does shit like this to me. WTF?!!?!?!?!?!?! Anyone have any advice for me? Keep him or Dump him? Which is it?

Not to sound selfish.. (and this doesn't apply to anyone here on LJ) It's my birthday and no one cares... Only one person in my family sent me a card... and it was an IOU. fuck that. Hilary is the only person who actually sent me an actual gift... and some lady at work who i barely know and barely knows me gave me a card with 15 dollars in it. so what about my family? nothing! what about john? nothing... but that's because we've been broke... which kind of just sucks... since i feel a little shitty about it all. i know everyone is probably thinking me selfish.. .and they're right... but I got john a really cool birthday gift... i feel like if he really really cared he would have put a few dollars aside a month ago (when he mentioned what did I want to do for my birthday) to do something together. i feel cheated. am I? or am I selfish? I don't know... I'm being a brat and I want something... something nice... but that... seems highly unlikely. john said he'll get me something next week... but then again.. he said the same thing last year.. and well.. nothing. I didn't even get any cards (except for the two mentioned) -_- wah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to get a dozen cards every birthday, but most of those people are gone... didn't realize how many cards they actually sent until they stopped coming.





(THANKS HILARY FOR STRAWBERRY PANIC NOVELS!!!! Amazing!!!!!!!)

The 'curse' started yesterday 2 weeks early again... The only good thing about it is, at least I won't have it on my birthday as I once thought... But damn... I hate cramps. I just want to curl up in a ball until it's all over.

On a lighter note... Birthday 2 weeks from today. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Family Guy live tickets (at Carnagie Hall). John's been pretty mum about what he's doing. So who knows.

Thursday, I walked up to FYE and traded in a bunch of old DVD's I don't watch to get the new Family Guy box set. Hilarious. One of the extra's is Family Guy Live from Montreal. Amazing stuff. If you haven't bought, go do so. Don't be put off by the box set's small amount of episodes (12 to be exact.) The Bonus features and added scenes (to the episodes) definitely MAKE UP FOR IT.




My birthday/christmas list.

American Dad 1-3
Family Guy: Blue Harvest
Family Guy: Stewie Griffin - The Untold Story
Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix
a fullsized Keyboard *
nintendo wii w/ paper mario *
Guitar Hero: World Tour
Guitar Hero: Aerosmith
diamond ring (yeah riiight)

*I'd rather have these over everything else on the list. I miss playing Piano... and Shena got me hooked on Wii

Princess Annarielle And Guardian Juri Arisugawa as a puzzle. See if you can do it!!

provided by flash-gear.com

Life as always comes back to bite you.. -_- I get a great job, and John quits his good-paying job. Yes he's been unhappy there and yes I was aware of it... I mean I would be unhappy too if I worked 60+ hrs a week, no breaks, sometimes not getting time off for several days... And being gone for 10-12 hrs from home... But with good-paying jobs getting scarcer and scarcer everyday... we agreed that he needed to wait until he found something better.

So now until an undetermined time, I'll be bringing home the bacon, and supporting our home. -_- I'm nervous. This means I have to bust my f*cking ass as much as possible to ensure I'm able to hang onto this job until John finds something more to his needs. I'm not complaining... John has had to support me before, so I don't mind doing it... I just hope nothing happens and that we can carry on with our lives for a while until he finds what he wants.

Please God... grant me this prayer... Help us.

~Annarielle

That new job i mentioned to you all earlier.... I GOT IT!!! I nailed the interview... I was wrong about one little detail... 12.00 an hour... oh well... It's A LOT more then I've been paid ever. All I have to do now is DO MY BEST.

I'm up for another better job. 40 hrs a week, $13.00 dollars an hr, Monday-Friday 9-5. If I get this job I'll be a secretary. I'll have my own desk, phone, and computer. I met most of the employees today, and they seem amazing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I won't know if I have until after my 11:30am interview with the boss. Pray for me. This could be my chance at an amazing life... no more long nights at Stop and Shop. No more shitty pay. No more employees treating me like a piece of shit. I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up... I need this sooo bad... Sooo bad. Wish me luck.

bah!!!!!!!!!!! humbug.......... cursed

Been on a big Utena kick lately... Working on The Ohtori story has me going. Found some amazing videos on Youtube. If you can't see them, copy and paste the link.

an Utena Tribute

Amazing Anthy and Utena video. AMAZING

A Live Cover or Rinbu Revolution


night